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Quit the Drama Cycle

Henrike Schreer • February 24, 2021

The 'Drama Cycle' or 'Drama Triangle' is a brilliant concept by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman that explains conflict and social dynamics within difficult relationships, for example in families or in the workplace. 

Have a look at the different roles you might be playing in different situations:

The Victim
The person in this position is feeling or acting like a victim. Their attitude is "Poor me!" and they feel oppressed, powerless, hard done by, helpless, hopeless and potentially even ashamed of themselves or the situation they are in, whilst not taking responsibility to change anything. In an almost child like way, they are unable (or unwilling?) to make decisions, solve problems or move out of their rut. Instead, they seek out help in the form of a Rescuer who will save the day but - when eventually frustrated enough to turn into a Persecutor - will perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings and defensiveness. Just like you might have heard before: "If you argue hard enough for your limitations, you get to keep them." - So unless the victim chooses to step up and take responsibility, they will remain in the same immature and therefore frustrating and unfulfilling position. 
Please note: We are talking about a behavioural issue here - this does not refer to victims of abuse or domestic violence. That's a different context!


The Rescuer

The rescuer's attitude is "Let me help you." However, instead of actually helping the victim by empowering them, they act as an enabler, feeling good about themselves for being capable and competent in comparison. In this way, their 'support' keeps the victim dependent and doesn't challenge them to try something unfamiliar, risk failure and experience the consequences of their actions. Why would the rescuer do this? Because with their energy focused on someone else, they can conveniently ignore their own shortcomings. Their concern for the victim’s needs is, in actual fact, and avoidance of their own problems, while potentially building up a sense of entitlement along the lines of "After all I have done for you ..." - a victim mentality of their own.


The Persecutor (or Blamer) 

"It's all your fault." insists the Persecutor. Controlling, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian and superior, they might have been either in the victim position or in rescuer mode previously, and have had enough. However, whilst asserting their power, their rigid attitude isn't helping either. They can see that the victim-rescuer dynamic isn't leading anywhere, but they choose anger and frustration, instead of holding their opponents accountable in a resourceful way.


So what to do?

Watch the video below to see the full cycle play out and hear about strategies for a mature approach. Once you see it for what it is, it will be easier to take an empowering and solution-oriented stance and exit the cycle for good.

The Key to Self-Love

By Henrike Schreer • March 3, 2021
If you are on a journey of self-discovery and growth, following a major decision or shift in your life such as a major move, divorce, becoming a mother or dealing with the aches of an empty nest... you will have inevitably crossed paths with the concept of self-love . And whilst you might be on board with the idea and even keen to implement it, you might be wondering: How do I love myself properly? And how do I know that I'm doing it right? I remember when this first became a thing for me... I just couldn't figure out how I would know if I did! All I knew was: I'm pretty confident, proud of what I'm doing and mostly like who I am. On a normal day, anyway... I don't feel that buying more stuff or having a bath with rose petals and prosecco will do the trick (not even in a spa in Bali) I don't want to go and spend tons of money on indulging myself with things I don't need

Expecting too much?

By Henrike Schreer • February 13, 2021
Working with a lot of female high achievers , I sometimes wonder how much of their success is due to their genuine joy in learning, growth and making a difference... and how much of it is the reflection of a need to please and earn love by meeting someone else's expectations ... Sounds familiar? When you are putting too much pressure on yourself... If you are often finding yourself bending over backwards , trying to live up to everybody's expectations (even the unspoken ones), that might be you. If you keep giving and giving until you feel you want to curl up in a tired ball and quit, it's probably time to look inward and see what's really going on. The superpower of feeling and pre-empting everyone's needs can be a blessing and a curse. Whilst most likely it makes you a kind, empathic and often highly successful individual, it can leave you feeling drained and, often enough, get you to a place where you are completely out of touch with your own identity, boundaries and needs. Your focus is so strongly set on the external , that there isn't much attention left for your inner world. Like most behavioural patterns, its origins often lie in early family dynamics or in our wider environment in early childhood. More often than not, adults who over-perform themselves to exhaustion, learnt in childhood that love, approval and validation were conditional , tied to meeting adult expectations. Whether it was performance in the classroom, sports or the arts, having to help out with younger siblings and taking responsibility far too soon or living within a plain dysfunctional dynamic like addiction and/or abuse... If at all, their needs were only being met in return for meeting someone's expectations . In addition, some of these kids were punished whenever they didn't live up to the standards - yet another incentive to constantly remain alert, ready to do what was needed to stay in the good books. If that sounds like you, watch the below video and ask yourself these questions to de-bunk the myth that you have to do anything to be loved, valued or respected: → Who you were TRYING TO IMPRESS as a child, and who did you have to be, to please them? → How can you give up the SECRET BENEFITS you are getting from putting pressure on yourself? → How can you bring CHOICE back into your life?
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