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If you are on a journey of self-discovery and growth, following a major decision or shift in your life such as a major move, divorce, becoming a mother or dealing with the aches of an empty nest... you will have inevitably crossed paths with the concept of self-love . And whilst you might be on board with the idea and even keen to implement it, you might be wondering: How do I love myself properly? And how do I know that I'm doing it right? I remember when this first became a thing for me... I just couldn't figure out how I would know if I did! All I knew was: I'm pretty confident, proud of what I'm doing and mostly like who I am. On a normal day, anyway... I don't feel that buying more stuff or having a bath with rose petals and prosecco will do the trick (not even in a spa in Bali) I don't want to go and spend tons of money on indulging myself with things I don't need
The 'Drama Cycle' or 'Drama Triangle' is a brilliant concept that can help explain conflict and social dynamics within difficult relationships in your family or at work. Have a look at the different roles you might be playing in different situations...
Working with a lot of female high achievers , I sometimes wonder how much of their success is due to their genuine joy in learning, growth and making a difference... and how much of it is the reflection of a need to please and earn love by meeting someone else's expectations ... Sounds familiar? When you are putting too much pressure on yourself... If you are often finding yourself bending over backwards , trying to live up to everybody's expectations (even the unspoken ones), that might be you. If you keep giving and giving until you feel you want to curl up in a tired ball and quit, it's probably time to look inward and see what's really going on. The superpower of feeling and pre-empting everyone's needs can be a blessing and a curse. Whilst most likely it makes you a kind, empathic and often highly successful individual, it can leave you feeling drained and, often enough, get you to a place where you are completely out of touch with your own identity, boundaries and needs. Your focus is so strongly set on the external , that there isn't much attention left for your inner world. Like most behavioural patterns, its origins often lie in early family dynamics or in our wider environment in early childhood. More often than not, adults who over-perform themselves to exhaustion, learnt in childhood that love, approval and validation were conditional , tied to meeting adult expectations. Whether it was performance in the classroom, sports or the arts, having to help out with younger siblings and taking responsibility far too soon or living within a plain dysfunctional dynamic like addiction and/or abuse... If at all, their needs were only being met in return for meeting someone's expectations . In addition, some of these kids were punished whenever they didn't live up to the standards - yet another incentive to constantly remain alert, ready to do what was needed to stay in the good books. If that sounds like you, watch the below video and ask yourself these questions to de-bunk the myth that you have to do anything to be loved, valued or respected: → Who you were TRYING TO IMPRESS as a child, and who did you have to be, to please them? → How can you give up the SECRET BENEFITS you are getting from putting pressure on yourself? → How can you bring CHOICE back into your life?
When I spent 3 months in Bali in 2019, one of the most beautiful aspects I learnt to appreciate about Balinese culture was the sacredness of day-to-day life...
Let's talk about that moment when nothing seems to be right anymore. Have you ever experienced an identity crisis, and wondered what on earth has befallen you? I've had several over the years...
... that I was too busy to even notice. Functioning at full speed, until life came to a grinding halt by force. Have you ever heard the saying "Some people need a Hi5. With a chair. In the face." ... Well, I guess that was me. Honestly, I was in a place where I loved my life a lot. Had fun and meaning and good connections, but was also constantly tired and manically trying to keep up with my endless schedule . Somehow never quite slowing down enough to realise that what I was doing simply wasn't sustainable. It was only in hindsight that I could see just how exhausted I had been. I realised that... it wasn't normal to lie awake for hours in the evening, unable to sleep. it wasn't normal to live with lower back pain every day. I wasn't, in fact, responsible for e v e r y t h i n g. you should be able to go without working for a whole weekend, most weekends. if I slowed down, the world wouldn't collapse. cooking a nice dinner could be fun, especially if I hadn't had a 10hr work day by the time I got around to it. Simple, huh? And yet somehow a really big deal and not comfortable at all. You think it feels good to slow down? Well try hitting the brakes when you go at 100km/h . Not fun. But sometimes necessary to avoid a major crash. This might strike a chord if your identity is tied up in being a high performer . If you were the successful, straight-A kid. The low maintenance teen skipping from one extracurricular activity to another and doing reasonably well in all of them. If you derive your self worth from success, performance, your smarts and/or outwardly achievements... If that's you, and you've hit a show stopping wall like I did, welcome to the void . That quiet, timeless, floating space of nothingness, where you are already painfully aware of 'who you are not anymore' , but don't quite know yet who you will be. In your rush, you might perceive this as painful, icky, boring, wrong... but what if this was the silken cocoon, and you're the butterfly in metamorphosis? What if this wasn't the end, but a new beginning...?
"The true journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
(Marcel Proust)