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The Key to Self-Love

Henrike Schreer • March 3, 2021

If you are on a journey of self-discovery and growth, following a major decision or shift in your life such as a major move, divorce, becoming a mother or dealing with the aches of an empty nest... you will have inevitably crossed paths with the concept of self-love. And whilst you might be on board with the idea and even keen to implement it, you might be wondering:

How do I love myself properly? And how do I know that I'm doing it right?

I remember when this first became a thing for me... I just couldn't figure out how I would know if I did! All I knew was:
  • I'm pretty confident, proud of what I'm doing and mostly like who I am. On a normal day, anyway...
  • I don't feel that buying more stuff or having a bath with rose petals and prosecco will do the trick (not even in a spa in Bali)
  • I don't want to go and spend tons of money on indulging myself with things I don't need


So am I missing the mark?


Being curious, I started looking into it more... To answer the question, we have to first define what love is. If you truly love someone (and aren't just 'into them' or 'find them hot'), you really care. You want the best for them, champion them, back them even when it's tough. You are honest with them, even if (actually, especially when) they don't want to hear it. You are in their corner and basically make sure that they have everything they need to thrive, whilst knowing you have their back unconditionally and are with them all the way. Right? That's what love looks like in my book, anyway. 


So if we wanted to translate this into self-love, what would that look like?


Basically, like being our own loving parent: Caring to really know ourselves, beyond the superficial. Wanting ourselves to be happy and thrive. Hold ourselves accountable to a high standard (and yes, that includes all those annoying chores like making delicious, healthy food, even if we are at home alone...). Backing ourselves in difficult or toxic situations, e.g. in the workplace, or when it comes to friendships and relationships... When in a questionable situation, try visualising yourself at 4yo next to your adult self: a cute little innocent child. And now ask yourself: If she was being treated that way... would I be okay with that? Or would I step in and protect her?


If you want to contemplate this further, watch the video below to hear the full story...

Quit the Drama Cycle

By Henrike Schreer • February 24, 2021
The 'Drama Cycle' or 'Drama Triangle' is a brilliant concept that can help explain conflict and social dynamics within difficult relationships in your family or at work. Have a look at the different roles you might be playing in different situations...

Expecting too much?

By Henrike Schreer • February 13, 2021
Working with a lot of female high achievers , I sometimes wonder how much of their success is due to their genuine joy in learning, growth and making a difference... and how much of it is the reflection of a need to please and earn love by meeting someone else's expectations ... Sounds familiar? When you are putting too much pressure on yourself... If you are often finding yourself bending over backwards , trying to live up to everybody's expectations (even the unspoken ones), that might be you. If you keep giving and giving until you feel you want to curl up in a tired ball and quit, it's probably time to look inward and see what's really going on. The superpower of feeling and pre-empting everyone's needs can be a blessing and a curse. Whilst most likely it makes you a kind, empathic and often highly successful individual, it can leave you feeling drained and, often enough, get you to a place where you are completely out of touch with your own identity, boundaries and needs. Your focus is so strongly set on the external , that there isn't much attention left for your inner world. Like most behavioural patterns, its origins often lie in early family dynamics or in our wider environment in early childhood. More often than not, adults who over-perform themselves to exhaustion, learnt in childhood that love, approval and validation were conditional , tied to meeting adult expectations. Whether it was performance in the classroom, sports or the arts, having to help out with younger siblings and taking responsibility far too soon or living within a plain dysfunctional dynamic like addiction and/or abuse... If at all, their needs were only being met in return for meeting someone's expectations . In addition, some of these kids were punished whenever they didn't live up to the standards - yet another incentive to constantly remain alert, ready to do what was needed to stay in the good books. If that sounds like you, watch the below video and ask yourself these questions to de-bunk the myth that you have to do anything to be loved, valued or respected: → Who you were TRYING TO IMPRESS as a child, and who did you have to be, to please them? → How can you give up the SECRET BENEFITS you are getting from putting pressure on yourself? → How can you bring CHOICE back into your life?
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